#1 - ALWAYS (and this is a golden rule!) make sure your phone is uncharged or unpaid while waiting for a ride, scheduling a job interview, or generally waiting on something important. However, once one reaches bar to lament over missing said important event, be sure phone is now charged and working. That way, once drunk, one can obsessively text an ex boyfriend to find out why they broke up with you in the first place, realize it was for moments like this, and then delete their number permanently from your phone.
#2 - If at all possible, use excessively correct & proper English while drinking, including if at all possible phrases such as "skulking in shame" or "personal parking space for your penis". If you can manage to text & spell said phrases correctly, make sure to do so as it is important the rest of the world has it in writing. If you drink often, develop an accent that immediately alerts those around you to the oncoming slew of properly penned rants on how undeniably horrible you are, making them immediately desert you for better company. Compelling additional texting.
#3 - If texting old boyfriend, make sure that you first go on and on about how happy you are, then follow that up with something embarrassingly obvious like "did you like my facebook photo?" or "do you think I'm still hot??". Take another shot while contemplating how goddamn insecure you are. Text ex again for additional reassurance. Repeat.
#4 - If going on date with someone attractive for the first time, make sure to wear horrible underwear and not shave. This will be initially done in an act to prove your willpower, but will eventually result in first hook-up being marred by granny panties and hairy legs. Resulting in lack of follow-up call. Repeat advice above.
#5 - When hanging out with someone new and interesting for the first time, make sure to be completely oblivious to all current events and common interests. Know nothing of sports, war, or current literature. Instead, talk obsessively about how exciting your weekend was with so-and-so and whoever else they have never met. Drink too many beers, hit on someone inappropriate, and fall down & scrape your knee. Kill imaginary friendship before it starts. Feel sad, text someone. Delete the text so that you don't know what it is the next day.
#6 - On handling next day depression: repeat the day before.
#7 - If ever unsure that someone doesn't quite know you are a complete loon, be sure to compellingly tell them, with accurate detail, a list of mistakes you've made throughout the years. Be sure to include the stories you haven't told anyone else. Once fully ashamed, find an excuse to get away from the conversation then oddly come back at a later time and ask them if they hate you.
#8 - On asking if someone "hates you" - do it often. Repeatedly. To the same people. In fact, constantly question every person you care about on their level of affection for you, then, being dissatisfied at the amount of "please stop asking me this" responses that you receive, proceed to disown everyone, get drunk alone, and then feel sorry for yourself until you have no friends left.
#9 - At this stage, recognize that you have a serious problem with self-confidence. Acknowledge the problem, write a list of resolutions & mantras in your journal proclaiming you will FINALLY love yourself. Go to sleep. Next morning, look in mirror with sleep hair and unwashed make-up and state to self that you have officially failed at beauty. Contemplate creating music video in which you sexily commit suicide, prompting all former interests to appear begging at door. Realize this will never happen. Return to tip #6.
#10 - This is the GOLDEN-EST rule! If ever developing elusive "self-esteem", be sure to surround yourself immediately with people who can deflate and reject new sense of self. Make sure you feel confident enough to stride in, sexily, to the bar you KNOW you'll see the "love" of your former life, and - as you walk in - be sure of yourself SO much that you admittedly can't wait to hear his begging reaction when he sees you. Or, better yet, select a venue at which you used to be "in" and show up years later, expecting the same regulars and general fanfare. Upon realization, immediately resort to tip #6.
